Sprinklers and the crazies

I woke up this morning and got ready for work.  I was pretty upset with the day because I hate my job, but something this morning made me smile and think and laugh to myself for hours.  I am still laughing and can’t get this thought out of my mind.  My wife and I go into the guest room because her siblings are staying with us.  We were talking to them about their drive and how they slept when Tressa said, “The sprinklers woke us up this morning.  They sound like they are shooting rocks instead of water.”  Then my imagination took over and a weird, maybe even crazy, smile came to my face.  Close your eyes and picture this…….destruction of cars, plants, houses, people’s faces.  Little kids are running out on a hot summer morning when suddenly they get beaten down by the unforgiving sprinkler.  Poor chaps.  HAHAHAH.  Now that’s funny. 

What about the dog that loves opening his mouth and putting his head in the sprinkler.  He won’t be doing that anymore with rocks being spat at his eyes and throat.  There will be no more fun for dogs or kids. 

Flowers would be destroyed.  Beauty gone.  Windows broken, cars dented, people crying, no more paper boy, it’s endless. 

I guess it is not too funny anymore, but I still have that weird creepy smile on my face.  Call me a creep or call me a hater, but never call me someone who has never warned the public of destruction.  I love this world and I love sprinklers, but doesn’t it make you wonder.  I learned something today from my sister-in-law Tressa, “Water is not rock, and rocks are not water.  Exchange one for the other and you could die.”

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The trick to parenting

Last night while talking about kids and how wierd they are, I discovered the secret to parenting.  Treat them how they are acting.  Havn’t we all heard the stories of kids pretending to be cats, or dogs, or ninja turtles, or monsters?  Parents just play along and get frustrated because it can be annoying feeding these silly little animals.  I have discovered the cure for this type of nonsense.  Treat them as if they were the animal they are pretending to be.  Now you must be saying, “Come on Ryan.  That is so mean.  You can’t just do that.”  And I will say, “I can do that because they really want the experience of being that animal.  I am helping them understand that a human is who and what they really want to be.”

A young boy is acting like a dog.  Eating out of a bowl and barking over every little thing.  Parents usually give them chicken and mashed potatoes in the bowl and try to ignore the most annoying barking.  But is that how we really treat dogs?  I think not.  We give them little balls of food that would not be joyful to eat.  Hard rocky food that tastes like dirt that has been trompled on by the shoes of Paul Bunyon himself.  That “boy dog” is not going to like that.  And the barking….just put him outside.  Rain, shine, or snow, “boy dog” will begin to ponder the real greatness of the human  race.

Then “boy dog” needs to go to the bathroom.  You tell him that dogs go to the bathroom outside on the grass.  He smiles because this is what he has wanted to do his whole life.  One of his life dreams of “doing his business” outside is coming true and you, as a parent, have given him that oppurtunity.  Then comes consequence……he is yelling your name to come and wipe his bottom.  You feel for him but you respond with, “Dogs do not get their bottoms wiped, they wipe with the ground.”  Then he crys and starts to wipe his bottom with the grass as he pulls himself around.  You can see the tracks are turning in his mind and he is wondering if being a dog is what it is all “crack”ed up to be. 

Then you say, “Listen boy dog, when you are ready, you can come in and say that you want to be nothing but a human and ‘boy dog’ will never come back again.”  He will walk in the house with his head hung high because he will know that he is proud to be a human.

I learned something today, “Parenting is all about seeing your kids eyes light up as they learn that humans are great and animals are not.”

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lucky duck butts

Because the weather is so beautiful outside, I decided to take my lunch to the grass and eat it in fresh air.  I just finished my bbq chicken hogie when a duck came walking toward me.  I started laughing to myself because I began to think how lucky ducks are.  He was waddling and I thought, “Wow.  Look at that.  His butt is always touching the grass.  And with their waddling, the grass is always tickling their bodies.”  It is like a never ending chills fest.  Then I thought about how much I love to get the chills. 

Picture youself as a duck.  You are walking around constantly getting chills on your body, but not only on your body, but on your butt as well.  I picture that and I think of a day when all worries are taken away and I am singing while walking.  I thought, “Well shoot.  Chills all over my body while I walk.  Nice.”  But then I started thinking about nails, and my attitude went from joyful to really sketchy.

I learned something today:

“Chills are fantastic, but not all the time.”

This post is dedicated to my wonderful wife Tara, who loves chills more than anything.

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Hey Mr. Ballpoint. Give me a treat.

Work is very slow and it is the most boring thing I have ever done in my life.  The more I sit the more I sit.  You might be saying, “O Ryan, you are so dramatic.  It can not be that boring.”  Well you know what I tell you, “Speak to the guy next to me.”

I look around my stupid cubicle and he is on Wikipedia.  I love Wikipedia and it is great for information, but this wasnt just anything interesting……it was more than that.  We can look up anything in the world; space, mars, nuclear biology, cells, eyeballs, national parks, any kind of animal.  Woooooooooowwwww.  Wikipedia is awesome.  The guy next to me is reading about the ballpoint pen.  At first I thought that it was maybe a joke or something, but he was really into it.  I thought, “Man this guy must be bored out of his mind.”  But then I started to get interested in the ballpoint pen.  Has anyone ever read about the ballpoint pen?  Has anyone thought about where the world would be without the ballpoint pen?  How many of us take this writing device for granted? 

The ballpoint pen is used everyday.  I can write down, on paper, what my brain is thinking.  That is magnificent and extraordinary, in all aspects of the word.  It is made for so many purposes.  I can carry it anywhere I go.  I can carry it in my pockets, my shirt pocket, my ear, my sock, my hair.  It will always be there when you need it.  Always ready to see what is on your mind.  People say, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” but I say, “One man’s pen is another man’s book, which could be a treasure if you like books.”



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World Renowned Question

“How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?”

This question popped in my head last Wednesday while I was with the young men in our ward at the driving range.  We had a golf teacher show the young men the correct form.  It was a great experience…….or was it???  After the instruction, the young men went at it and that world renowned  question of the “tootsie roll pop” changed to…

“How many swings does it take to hit an immovable object?”

It was a different question, yet the answer remains the same. 

“Nobody knows.”

This guy hates the question.  But will he ever know?

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High Definition

I work at BYU Independent Study as a customer service representative.  I answer phones constantly and almost every phone call there is some kind of miscommunication.  We can look up a student in 1 of 3 ways:  their name, confirmation number, or net-id.  Let me enlighten you about a phone call that seems to happen almost everyday.  Phone rings,   

     “BYU Independent Study, this is Ryan.  How can I help you?”

     “I need help with my course.”

     “Ok.  Can I get your last name please?”
She gives me a last name, big or small.

     “Can you please spell that for me?”

They spell it again and I cannot understand what the heck they are saying.

     “Can you spell that one more time please”

I still can’t understand.

     I say, “Do you have a net-id?”

     “Yes.  It is my last name followed by the number 2.”

     And YES, I have to ask again, “Can you spell that for me?”

And once again, I have no idea what she is saying.

And then we, no matter how educated we are, have to say the letter and then correspond it to a separate word.  And it bugs me how they are always animals.  Why did we pick animals?!!!!  “My last name is Boyce. B as in bore, O as in octopus, Y as in yak, C as in cat , E as in elephant.”  Whoever started this whole animal thing………dang you.

I started to ask myself this morning, while sipping on some orange juice so frustrated with the phone calls, why can’t we understand each other on the phone?  Why is it so fuzzy that I can not even spell a last name after it has been spelt to me 4 times?  I see these commercials about high-definition tv.  We haven’t stopped at high-def tv’s but 3D tv’s.  I can see the sweat on Shaq’s butt crack with high-def, and that is not something I personally want to see.  Stop showing me every little detail on a basketball’s players behind and please just fix the phone so I can understand and spell someones name correctly.  If I have learned one thing today it is this…….. “High-definition tv has nothing to do with being def, but I feel def as I answer phones, so why not make a high-def phone.  Maybe I will feel less def.”

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Intelligent? Perhaps…..

I am pondering the technology and new advancements and I am amazed at how far we, as a people, have come.  We have launched a space shuttle from earth and have landed on the moon.  Not only did we land but a human being actually walked on the moon, even though there is no oxygen.  Scientists spent years and years and years trying to figure out a suit that would let that man breath in space.  I know….I am blown away too.  We have invented something that can take us from Utah to California in 2 hours.  Not only that but it can fly in the sky.  We sit in a plane made of metal and somehow we can fly across the world.  Now that blows my butt off.  But then I think how far have we really come?  Where is the pill that will change your sweat from the smell of B.O to the smell of strawberries?  If you think that sounds crazy, remember, a man walked on the moon.  How many times have you been sitting at your desk when your pencil breaks.  Where is the pencil that never brakes?  And finally but not least……. the fly.  It is crazy.  Almost everyday I look down to see my fly undone.  Is there anything that the human race can do to help this problem.  What about a little latch that will secure the fly, or some kind of device to keep the fly from falling down.  I have learned one thing and that is, “We accomplish the most advanced tasks possible, but yet we can not solve the normal problems of every day life.”

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